Love and Understanding, not Judgment

Courtesy of www.philippedechampaigne.org

Courtesy of www.philippedechampaigne.org

Are we only called to share our faith with the faithful?  Evangelize the evangelized?  No, we are supposed to share the joy of our faith with everyone and sometimes that means Catholics who have fallen away from the practice of their faith.  Sometimes it also means talking about our faith with Catholics who are angry and bitter towards the Church.  Their reasons may vary, but how we engage with them may mean the difference between their possible return to the Church or losing them forever.

I encountered one such person this week.

As a favor to a client, I met a visiting business executive for coffee who wanted to relocate to Atlanta from another area of the country and needed help with her job search.  When our food and coffee arrived, I invited her to join me in a blessing of the meal and made the sign of the cross.  I noticed she gave me a funny look when I finished, but ignored it and moved into the discussion.  As I advised her on various ways she could connect with other leaders and job opportunities in our area, I mentioned how “faith friendly” the Southeast is and that discussing faith, family and anything else she wanted when building new relationships was likely easier than where she was moving from.  I received my second funny look and had to respond.

“I noticed you seemed a little unsettled when I said the blessing and mentioned how easy it is to discuss faith and personal things in our area.  I was trying to prepare and encourage you regarding building your network and did not intend to make you uncomfortable.”

Her response was very measured with a tinge of anger as she said, “I am also Catholic, although I haven’t been active in quite a few years.  I have too many issues with the Church and all of its problems and I just can’t overlook them.”

To be honest, I was a little nervous when I asked, “Would you like to discuss what the issues are?”

Reluctantly, she said, “I don’t like some of the decisions the Church has made on marriage, contraception and other social issues.  I still can’t get over the sex abuse scandals.  I know there are a lot of people who agree with me.”

Here was the moment of truth.  Do I defend the Church?  Change the subject?  What?

Saying a quick prayer to the Blessed Mother, I opted to engage with her (I have summarized my comments).  “I am really grateful that you shared this with me.  I realize you are going through a difficult time with these faith issues, finding a new job and moving to a new city.  This is a lot to handle!  You might find it interesting that before I converted to the Catholic Church in 2006 I spent over two decades in the spiritual wilderness with no faith at all dating from when I left the Baptist church as a teenager.  One of the many things that drew me to the Church’s teaching was that I knew in my heart that what I was learning was true.  I was blown away in the summer of 2005 as I learned more and more about the Church Christ founded.  It also occurred to me as I began to see St. Peter as the first Pope, that he was a sinful man who denied Christ three times and yet he still was chosen to lead the Church.  He was forgiven.  I felt there was surely hope for me and all of us in the example of St. Peter!  I also read the lives of the Saints and the writings of Blessed John Paul II which were transformative for me.  I remember someone sharing a quote from Dr. Peter Kreeft at that time which connects back to what you have said: ‘The Church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints.”

I know you are angry and frustrated.  I promise you I really do understand.  But, there is so much good in the Church and there are many holy men and women in it who work and pray every day for our salvation.  There are also sinful bad people who have done horrible things.  Yet, we are still called to love and forgive them, as difficult as it is may be.  With regards to your disagreement with Catholic teaching on marriage and contraception, don’t you find it somewhat comforting that the Church has not changed its teaching to suit the modern world?  While other religious denominations cave to cultural pressures, the Catholic Church remains strong and consistent in defending the Truth, despite the abhorrent behavior of a tiny percentage of its priests.  I just want to encourage you to focus on Christ and the lessons He teaches us through the Gospel.  Read about the lives of the Saints.  Seek the intercession of the Blessed Mother to help you forgive.  Pray to Christ for help and strength as well as understanding and the capacity for forgiveness.  You and I are flawed sinners.  What if nobody ever forgave us for the mistakes we have committed (and will commit in the future)?”

She was silent for a few minutes before saying something that surprised me:  “I respect what you have said and appreciate you not avoiding the topic.  I am not sure I feel better, but I will think and pray about this and see what happens.  I certainly didn’t expect this conversation during our lunch!”

Nothing radical occurred.  I said nothing earth shattering and she didn’t leave me ready to rush back into the arms of the Church.  What did happen is we had a discussion about something painful for her.  She vented, I listened and offered her my own very positive witness and experience with the Catholic Church in response.  One of the wonderful things about this conversation was her willingness to listen and not get angry and leave.  She agreed to pray and think about what I shared with her.  I think the anger and frustration may have come down a notch and with prayers (hers, mine and yours) she may just return back to the Church.  I followed up with an email offering to discuss this subject anytime and that I would be praying for her.

When we encounter someone angry with the Church, don’t preach or judge.  Patiently listen.  Offer them a positive alternative to their anger through our own joyful experiences with Christ and His Church.  Pray for them in earnest and let the Holy Spirit go to work on bringing them back into the fold.  This conversation made me reflect, as perhaps we all should, on how many people are all around us with similar issues who we never identify or engage in a loving dialogue.  Food for thought…

“What man among you having a hundred sheep and losing one of them would not leave the ninety-nine in the desert and go after the lost one until he finds it? And when he does find it, he sets it on his shoulders with great joy and, upon his arrival home, he calls together his friends and neighbors and says to them, ‘Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you, in just the same way there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous people who have no need of repentance”  (Luke 15: 4-7).


Randy Hain, Senior Editor and co-founder of The Integrated Catholic Life™, is the author of The Catholic Briefcase: Tools for Integrating Faith and Work which was released by Liguori Publications.  The Catholic Briefcase was voted the Best Catholic Book of 2011 in the About.com Catholicism Reader’s Choice Awards.

Randy Hain’s exciting second book, Along the Way: Lessons for an Authentic Journey of Faith was  released by Liguori Publications in November, 2012.   Along the Way was voted Runner-Up in the About.com Catholicism Reader’s Choice Awards for Best Catholic Book of 2012.  His third book, Something More: A Professional’s Pursuit of a Meaningful Life, was released in February, 2013. His newest book, LANDED! Proven Job Search Strategies for Today’s Professional was released in December 2013 by Serviam Press.

All of Randy Hain’s books can also be purchased at your local Catholic bookstore, Amazon, Barnes & Noble or www.liguori.org.

Looking for a Catholic Speaker?  Check out Randy’s speaker’s page and the rest of the ICL Speaker’s Bureau.


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12 Comments

  1. That is what our Lord would want us to do: gently bring back the lost sheep into the fold…easier said than done, our own pride and impatience get in the way & we become overbearing & self-righteous…but we must try & only w/ God’s grace can we evangelize effectively. Thank you for this great reminder, may God’s blessings be upon us.

  2. Thank you for your witness and insight Mr. Hain. I too was baptist, wandered in the wilderness, and am now coming into full communion with the Church. I find myself having to defend the church on an almost daily basis.

    1. Gary,

      I am excited you are joining the Catholic Church. Welcome in advance! Pray to the Holy Spirit for help, stay strong, be patient and simply reflect the joy of Christ in your heart back to those attacking your faith. They are attacking you out of ignorance or fear. Forgive them, love them and smile. Eventually their hearts will be turned.

      Your brother in Christ,

      Randy

  3. Dear Randy, as a Reformed pastor (yes, you are not hallucinating!) I find much in your posts including this one that I say amen to. And I appreciate that this is a Roman Catholic site targeted at those in your communion and I respect that. However in your post twice you asked the woman in question to pray and both times via Mary. I do understand something of the veneration you ascribe to Mary but why not at least ask the woman to pray to the Father as our Lord Jesus taught us relying upon His intercession. Why rely on saintly intermediaries when we have direct access to the throne of grace in and through the Son? There is one Mediator between God and man… I loved the quotation from Dr Kreeft. God bless you and yours, Wayne

  4. Then there is the wonderful Billy Graham story. Rev. Graham is said to have meet a man once who told him at great length that he would never join a church. The man explained that he had tried many different churches but left every one of them in disgust because they were all just full of hypocrites, liars and various other sinful sorts. Rev. Graham listened patiently and when the man ran out of stream remarked that he should continue his search for a perfect church. And he should join it immediately once he found it. However he should also realize that as soon as he did join it, it would no longer be perfect.

  5. Randy, I wish I could have been a fly on the wall during that lunch. It’s funny how the situation is never perfect for bringing up & discussing one’s faith but you did it & it worked out. Attaboy!

  6. I think this was a really helpful article. Thank you for sharing this Randy.

    My only thought is that I sometimes can seem perhaps too agreeable and when I try to be more gentle. I have a habit of being effusive too often. Your business meeting sounds very measured and professional but honestly that’s not where I encounter these conversations. I’ve only been able to arrive at that intersection at social events, where people usually speak more frankly. Anyhow, I feel disloyal to the church when I entertain anyone critical and I fear acknowledging their specific disagreements gives validity to their grudges. But I want to do something! I do see these conversations as an opportunity. Is that my pride getting in the way? Or am I just untrained in apologetics? Maybe both:(

    1. Laura,

      Good morning. I understand your dilemma! I think the key is listening. Just let them say what they need to say and pray for patience as you endure it. This alone will be surprising to some. Once they have finished, I find that acknowledging you have heard them is important before offering them an alternative. I think we have an opportunity in these discussions to show those who attack the Church the joy and beauty of our Faith and how are lives are so much better off because of it. They expect an angry defense or rebuttal. Don’t go there. Respond with a personal witness that will make them see that you are not simply expressing empty words, but instead a deep and abiding faith and relationship with Christ and the Church He founded.

      I used to argue and it never worked out well. When I started being patient, loving and sharing my own faith journey as an alternative I began seeing an enormous difference in the mindset of the other person. Maybe the Holy Spirit will work through this type of response on our part to deflate their argument.

      Your brother in Christ,

      Randy

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