Sometimes I can almost imagine myself as a great father to my children… then I do something to mess it up. I vividly recall a past October when the boys and I welcomed my wife home from a five-day trip to California where she had been visiting her sister. What started out as my great adventure with the kids at the beginning of her trip turned into exhaustion at the end, and I guiltily looked forward to my wife’s coming home so I could escape to my work and other activities. I had just experienced a great time with my sons (we really did have fun), and now I was looking to flee the scene and go back to activities that aren’t nearly as important. What was my problem?
This isn’t a self-reflective pity party but a candid acknowledgment of the ongoing challenges I face to provide my sons with the father/role model I believe they deserve. I want them to grow up to be good men and great fathers, and I feel like every moment I am with them is a learning opportunity. I want to teach them about our beautiful Catholic faith, what the real world is like, the difference between right and wrong, the importance of values, etc. The list of lessons they need to learn is endless, yet I hate to admit that because of the enormous demands on my time during the day I sometimes look forward to their bedtime so my wife and I can get a break. I know we need time as a couple and I need my free time as well, but I still feel guilty.
I carried these thoughts into the weekend and did a lot of praying. I asked God for help and a path to follow that would help me step up to my responsibilities, and for the peace and courage to deal with being a father in these challenging times. Maybe I needed to see role models and examples to help me get closer to the better father I want to be.
Well, sometimes God answers prayer very promptly and clearly.
After that weekend of prayer and reflection, I had four powerful reminders of the real meaning of fatherhood in the days that followed. The hand of God was clearly at work in forcing me to slow down long enough to recognize and absorb these lessons.
On that Tuesday afternoon I was driving back from a doctor visit with my oldest son when I decided to call my father in Florida. We exchanged idle chitchat for a few minutes, then I shared my recent fatherhood dilemma with him. He listened silently. When I finished, he offered this sage observation: “Randy, I think you need to give yourself a break. I was never a perfect father and I made my share of mistakes, but I always knew God would find a way to help me and make up for my shortcomings. I also think one of the best things I did for you and your sister was to make sure you knew how much I loved your mom.”
I reflected on the conversation with my father as we walked into Mass for All Saints Day: not perfect…God will help me…love my wife. I began thinking of Saint Joseph and his amazing example as a husband and a father. He was a good and simple man who trusted God, took a pregnant Mary as his wife and raised Jesus as his own son as the head of the Holy Family. As I shared in in other posts, I have always found peace by asking Saint Joseph for his intercession, and I did so again on All Saints Day. In my own father and in the patron saint of fathers I had rediscovered my role models.
The next day was a bit traumatic for my family, as my oldest son was to have a tube placed in his left ear for the eighth time. He has high-functioning autism and was very anxious about the operation as we drove to the outpatient surgery center. All went well, and I was relieved to see him as they rolled his bed into the room where I was waiting. I looked down on my firstborn and stroked his hair, finding it hard to believe he was a teenager. The outpouring of love I felt at that moment for my son and his younger brother reminded me of the joys of being a father and of what is important in life. God created these children and gave them to my wife and me. We are truly blessed to be their parents.
After getting my son home for my wife to take care of him, I returned to a pile of work at the office and plowed through it as fast as possible so I could get home and see how he was doing. As I walked in the door feeling tired, distracted, and a little guilty (again), my younger son ran up to me with a poster he had made in school. He said, “Dad, what do you think of my poster? Take a look at the bottom on the left. Do you like it?” The section was called “My Hero,” and he described his hero this way:
He spends a lot of time with me and tells me things.
He plays sports with me and takes me to lacrosse practice.
We pray together.
He started writing books not long ago and
I am very proud of him.
I want to write like him some day.
My hero is my dad.
After wiping a few tears away it dawned on me that if we ever want to get a report card on how we are doing, maybe we should ask our children.
Have you or someone you love been through the same kinds of struggles I have experienced? They have taught me that I can’t carry the burden of being a father by myself. I need to be humble and ask for help. I will more frequently seek out the sage advice of my father, the intercession of Saint Joseph, and most importantly seek the help of our heavenly Father in prayer. I will make sure my kids know how much I love their mother. If I do these things faithfully, I will more fully experience the blessings and joys of being a father to these wonderful boys.
Randy Hain, Senior Editor and co-founder of The Integrated Catholic Life™, is the author of The Catholic Briefcase: Tools for Integrating Faith and Work which was released by Liguori Publications. The Catholic Briefcase was voted the Best Catholic Book of 2011 in the About.com Catholicism Reader’s Choice Awards.
Randy Hain’s exciting new book, Along the Way: Lessons for an Authentic Journey of Faith was released by Liguori Publications in November, 2012. Along the Way was voted Runner-Up in the About.com Catholicism Reader’s Choice Awards for Best Catholic Book of 2012. His third book, Something More: A Professional’s Pursuit of a Meaningful Life, was released in February, 2013. All of Randy Hain’s books can also be purchased at your local Catholic bookstore, Amazon or www.liguori.org.
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Thank you! – The Editors