Confessions of a Christmas Loser

Photography by Andy Coan

In my mind’s eye I see her: She’s the perfect Christmas woman.

She is wearing an elegant ensemble with glittering gems gracing her ears. Her home is perfumed with the sumptuous scent of gingerbread men. They are stunningly shaped and hand-decorated, of course.

On the mantel of this perfect woman are jaunty boughs, festooned with regal red ribbons; nearby looms a towering tree laden with lavish lights.

Then there is me.

My gingerbread men emerge from the oven misshapen and morose, often missing a limb or two. My packages look like they were wrapped by a demented elf.

And, just between you and me, my boughs are sagging.

But, oh, how desperately I long to count myself among the perfect Christmas women! You know the ones I mean: the ladies who graduated magna cum laude from the Martha Stewart College of holiday design.

Something, though, has gone horribly wrong. You see, I’m the lady in the grocery store a week after Christmas, pawing through the sale cards, and rushing to get them in the mail. And when it comes to making gift tags with glue-guns, I flunked the midterm.

In my defense, however, I am rather proud of our artificial Christmas tree, which we adopted a few years ago from a neighbor’s trash heap. True, it is merely two feet high and a bit frayed around the edges, but at least it doesn’t expect me to water it.

And on our mantel is a nice crèche that my husband created from old lumber scraps. Problem is, he never got around to fashioning Mary, Joseph, and the baby, so it looks a bit bare.

To be perfectly honest, my biggest fear is that one of the perfect Christmas women will drop in during the holiday season. I can just see her wincing when I serve her eggnog from a carton.

I can imagine her glancing at the tree ornaments with disdain, especially when she notices the stuffed moose and the grinning squirrel. And when I bring out the platter of headless gingerbread men, she might run screaming away.

Every year, I promise myself that things will be different. I will start in the summer, sewing pillow cases for the children and knitting gorgeous garments for the adults on my list.

But let’s get real: This isn’t going to happen. You see, I’m the one who sewed the pockets on the wrong side of a skirt in high-school sewing class.  And when it comes to knitting, even my scarves turn out crooked.

This year, I can predict what will happen come Christmas Day. I will walk into church like I always do, feeling like the biggest loser of all times.

All around me will be evidence of perfect Christmas women. There will be pots of poinsettias precisely parked on the altar. Children decked out in hand-knit sweaters with matching caps. And the ladies themselves splendid in their opulent outfits of silk and satin.

When Mass is over, I will tiptoe toward the crèche to behold the simple scene: Mary and Joseph kneeling by the baby, while the animals gather around.

And if I’m very fortunate, at that point, there may come a moment of grace.

My thoughts will travel back in time to Mary, who surely longed for a perfect setting for her newborn son. Perhaps she envisioned a lush and cozy inn with the scent of spicy pastries perfuming the rooms. Instead, she settled for the stable, messy and dark, and smelling strongly of sheep.

And then I see the truth: I will never be the perfect Christmas woman. My gingerbread men will always be lopsided, and my trees will bring tears to the eyes of Santa’s elves.

None of this matters, though, as I stand before the crèche.

In my mind’s eye, I see Mary placing her baby in my arms. I glimpse the mysterious light in his eyes as I shift his warm body close to me. Then I lean down and kiss him, ever so gently, and whisper that I love him.

And even if I get everything else wrong at Christmas, maybe through the grace of God I will get this right.

Lorraine’s latest mystery is “Death of a Liturgist,” a wild romp through a traditional parish that is hijacked by a man who wants everyone to feel groovy at Sunday Mass. She also has written “Death in the Choir” and five other books.

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About the Author

Lorraine is the author of “The Abbess of Andalusia: Flannery O’Connor’s Spiritual Journey.” She also has written three mysteries, most recently “Death Dons a Mask.” Her email is lorrainevmurray@yahoo.com. All of her books can be seen on her website is www.lorrainevmurray.com.

Lorraine V. Murray grew up in Miami, and graduated from Immaculata Academy High School. One of the nuns there predicted that if Lorraine went to a secular college, she would be in great danger of losing her faith. Lorraine thought that was funny, but in fact the sister’s prediction came true.

Majoring in English at the University of Florida, Lorraine bid farewell to her Catholicism when she was 19. She went on to get a Ph.D. in philosophy and became a radical feminist and atheist for over 20 years.

After teaching courses in English and philosophy on the college level, Lorraine worked as an editor in a university publications office. In her forties, the Lord called her back to her Catholic roots, and she went on to write about her conversion journey in her book “Confessions of an Ex-Feminist.”

Her recent books are "Death of a Liturgist," a fun-filled mystery featuring murder and mayhem in a Georgia parish, and "The Abbess of Andalusia," which explores Flannery O'Connor's Catholic journey. All her books can be seen at www.lorrainevmurray.com (link provided below).

Lorraine writes regular columns for the religion section of “The Atlanta Journal-Constitution” and “The Georgia Bulletin.” She lives in Decatur, Georgia, with her husband, Jef, a Tolkien artist and book illustrator. In her spare time, she bakes bread, watches hummingbirds, and chases squirrels out of her garden.

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4 Comments

  1. This is wonderful. Thanks for the glimpse into my reality as well. For a while in your article I felt like your mirror image, and then you “one-upped” me -you actually have eggnog! Impressive. It is comforting to know that there are other bough sagging, gingerbread maiming women out there, and even more comforting to be reminded that it is about opening our hearts to awe of the Incarnation that truly matters. To be overcome with love for the One who so loved us, that He became one of us so we could learn of God’s infinite love, that’s what it is about. Sounds like you got it right. Now that’s the perfect Christmas woman. Thanks Lorraine & Merry Christmas!

  2. LOL! I would choose to drink a cup of ‘out of the carton’ eggnog anyday at your home, rather than sit at the finest feast of Martha Stewart perfection. Jesus loves less than perfect gingerbread men, with missing limbs, for he did come to heal the sick.The main event takes place in the manger, and there is no room for perfection and fine clothes, for Perfection has entered the world.

  3. This really made me laugh. My daughter is one of those ‘perfect Christmas’ women. And, she still remembers why we do this-while not Catholic (I’m a convert), she is a good Christian woman. She has a real talent for decorating – her Santas collected from her travels around the world are usually placed in her guest bath.

    I just have NO idea where she got it – certainly not from me! But, I do admire her; and most of the family ends up at her house – it is so inviting.

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